The Sober Gay Guy shares an early game plan for getting through the holidays while working through an addiction, and not just alcohol. Whatever your thing is, this season turns the volume all the way up. So the plan gets made early, in November, with a clear head, because willpower is a terrible plan for a heavy season and a plan made in calm weather is the one that holds in the storm. If the holidays are hard for you, it is not because you are weak. It is because this season is heavy, and there is a difference.

Key Topics

• Why the holidays are the hardest stretch of the year: the parties, the family tables, the empty chairs, the loneliness, and the spending.

• Willpower runs out around day nine. A plan does not.

• Naming your thing, because shame hates being named.

• Your addiction has a holiday voice, and it sounds like a friend.

• One: Know your triggers by name, and remember HALT.

• Two: Keep your anchors, the routines and supports that hold your recovery in place.

• Three: Decide before you arrive, instead of deciding in the parking lot outside the party.

• Four: Line up your people. Bathroom texts have saved more recoveries than almost anything.

• Five: Make the next morning matter more than the night.

• Six: If you slip, it is information, not a verdict.

• TJ's own plan this year: a boundary, a quiet place of peace, and gratitude.

• For the listener who is mid-struggle right now: rock bottom is not a requirement.

• One step taken in November can change how December feels. The season ends. It always ends.

Host: TJ Booth
Writer: TJ Booth
Sound, Production & Editing: TJ Booth
Sober Gay Guy Music: Adam Moyer

The Sugar High Is Wearing Off

Welcome to Halloween decompression, friends. This is the small window we get every year to let the sugar high wear off, pull down the spooky decorations, and lean all the way in to the autumn decor. And here’s my real question: who else has to rearrange their whole living room to make room for the Christmas tree? Me. That’s who. And yes, I’ve already done it. The tree gets the good corner. Everything else can fight for what’s left.

Last Call in the Garden

Remember: if you haven’t gotten your bulbs in the ground yet, this is your last chance. Pretty soon it’ll be time to trim down the bushes and drop the mulch, so this is the moment. Plant now, bloom in April. Your spring self is already saying thank you.

Sweater Weather Swap

Wardrobe change season is here! The cold temps are creeping in, so pull out the storage bins and start swapping the summer clothes for sweater weather attire. Shorts out, layers in. Future chilly-morning you is going to be so grateful.

Buy the Turkey Now

And while you’re ahead of the game: buy the turkey now, while the pickings are good, and keep it in the freezer. It’ll be waiting for you when the big meal comes. Just give it a few days in the fridge to thaw before Thanksgiving, about a day for every 4 or 5 pounds, and you’ll walk into the holiday calm instead of scrambling.

From Podcast Headquarters

Over here at Sober Gay Guy podcast headquarters, we’re pulling out all the stops. Episode ideas are flowing and guest appearances are lining up, and I could not be more excited about where this show is headed. But I want to hear from you: what do you want to learn about? Is there anything you want to chat about? Drop it in the comments. This show gets better when you talk back to it.

No Politics Here, But...

No politics here, but... how about that midterm election? Lots of new faces and big changes on the horizon for the House and Senate, which means 2027 is going to look a whole lot different. History got made in a few places, too, which brings me to a little something new I’m trying.

This Week’s Quiz

Drop your answers in the newsletter comments:

1. Who’s the first ever Black woman to hold the title of governor in Georgia?

2. Who’s the youngest person to ever hold the title of Maricopa County Clerk?

3. Who’s slated to be the first ever Black Speaker of the House?

From This Week’s Episode: Clear Is Kind

Finally, a note on this week’s episode. To date, this is one of my favorite episodes I’ve written and recorded. I’ve listened to it a dozen times in the edit room and half a dozen times just to listen. It’s funny: I hear my voice, but I lose the correlation that it’s me teaching and helping, and I learn a little bit more each time I listen. Next week’s episode is no different. “Holding Your Ground Through the Holidays” lands Wednesday, and I can’t wait for you to hear it.

I love taking this journey with you all. I’m so glad you’re here.

We’re all important.

TJ

Not metaphorically. Literally. A man came out to my house in Berwyn with a measuring tape and a clipboard, and we stood in my yard talking about gates. Cedar or vinyl. How wide the opening should be. Whether the latch works the way it is supposed to. I picked the cedar, five feet, the kind that smells good when it rains.

Somewhere in the middle of all that measuring, it hit me. I have spent years learning how to do with people what I was doing in that yard. Not building walls. Building a fence.

Let me start where this actually starts, which is not in the yard. I mean in the break room at work, or your kitchen, anywhere with your phone in your hand and just as you’re saying the words you didn’t mean, or want to say. (Face plant)

We’ve ALL done it. Said yes to the extra shift, yes to the date, yes to the favor that ate your whole Saturday, followed by immediate regret. I’m a recovering professional at it.

The Yard

Here’s what most of think of when we hear the word, boundary. Confrontation. If you’re a warm person, a show-up-for-everybody person, confrontation can be a betrayal of who you are. So we skip creating the boundary and say yes again & then lie awake at 2 in the morning replaying it. A special kind of torture when your alarm goes off at 4!

Brené Brown, who has researched this stuff more than just about anybody, has a line that rearranged something in me: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”

Read that slowly, twice.

Now think about the last “maybe” you said when you immediately wish you had said, no. You weren’t being sweet, you were handing somebody a guessing game because you wanted to skip discomfort. That is not kindness.

Brown also breaks trust down into seven pieces, a framework she calls BRAVING. The very first piece, the B, before reliability, before accountability, before any of it, is BOUNDARIES.

So here’s mine. Even though I still fear confrontation a boundary doesn’t have to be a wall it can be a picket fence with a gate.

A wall says nobody gets in. A fence says: this is my yard. Here is where it starts. Here is where it ends. There is a gate, and the gate works, and you’re welcome to come through it when you respect the fence. That’s not confrontation or shutting people out. That’s telling them how to treat you and in some cases, love you well.

Something that creates a little freedom for me: A boundary isn’t something you set for the other person. You cannot set a boundary that says, “You have to stop doing that,” because what they do is out of your power. You can only set a boundary about what you will do. It’s about your behavior, not theirs. You’re the only person you get to control. Find relief in that because it means you don’t need anybody’s permission to have a boundary.

The cost of Keeping the Gate Wide Open

Now let’s talk about the bill, because there is a bill. A people-pleasing tax.

People-pleasing isn’t kindness, it’s actually Lying. Kindness is a choice that comes naturally to nearly every human. People-pleasing is fear with good manners. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of being the one they call selfish. It looks like generosity from the outside, but inside, it is anxiety wearing a nice outfit, smiling at the party while it quietly empties your pockets.

Live like that long enough and you can feel the account nearly being over drawn. You’re drained after perfectly normal conversations. Little things irritate you. You cancel your own plans and then feel strangely furious about plans nobody forced you to cancel. Psychologists who study this pattern describe it the same way: wearing down your own self-esteem and energy until anxiety, exhaustion, and burnout move in. It’s not a character flaw but an old strategy that worked once, Now it’s just expensive.

The Mayo Clinic says it plainly: stress and anxiety grow when we take responsibility for other people’s emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. Sit with that. So much of the weight people carry around isn’t even theirs and it started with a boundary problem.

Every yes you didn’t mean is a withdrawal from an account you never agreed to open. Sooner or later you find the account IS overdrawn.

Three Places I Practice

This is easy in a yard and hard in real life. So here is where I actually practice, in the wild and it can be so hard to do sometimes.

Dating, first. Picture it, coffee across from somebody new, and the old me is already performing and saying yes to things I don’t want because I just wanna be liked! What I know now is this, saying what you want early is kinder than performing and resenting it by week three. Not interested? Say so kindly, and early. Need things to move slowly? Say that. The person across the table can handle the truth. What nobody handles well is three weeks of mixed signals and then a disappearing act. And the right people are relieved by clarity. If someone gets angry at a simple, honest preference, they just showed you who they are.

Then parenting. I’m a single dad to a teenager, which means I live with a person whose whole job right now is testing me. What I’ve learned to appreciate is that boundaries with a teenager aren’t me being a strict, hard ass parent, they’re safety. Kids settle when the lines are clear, when the rules are the same on Tuesday as they were on Monday, when the adult means what he says. It create trust on BOTH sides. And sometimes the boundary isn’t for your kid, sometimes it’s for you, sitting in a school meeting, saying plainly what your child needs because you’re the only person in the room who can to say it. That’s a fence too, It goes around him.

And work. My alarm goes off in the dark. I’m at Trader Joe’s at 4:45 in the morning, in the cold first hour, on my feet, lifting, stocking, talking to the whole world before most people have had coffee. I love my job, and it takes what it takes but then I come home and I’m a dad. There’s dinner, laundry a snotty little dog who has opinions. Rest is load-bearing here..so when my work pushes my buttons and starts to become more of a burden than a great and fun place to work, I ask a different question than I used to. Not “can I technically survive this,” but “what does this cost me emotionally and is it worth it?” It’s actually protecting the job, because the rested version of me is the one who is good at it. The boundary is the work.

And if you’re sober (or really trying to be) friend, you’ve been doing this longer than you think. Saying no to a drink is a boundary. Leaving the room that doesn’t feel safe is a boundary. Guarding your sleep, your routine, your meetings, your people, that is all boundary work! You’ve had the tools the whole time, we’re just defining it now.

Kind. Clear. Short.

So how do you say it without your voice shaking and a paragraph falling out of your mouth? Three words. Kind. Clear. Short.

Kind means the tone stays warm, remember this isn’t confrontation. Clear means nobody has to decode you. Short means you stop talking when the sentence ends. Period.

Instead of the apology tour, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I would love to, I really would, it’s just this week is so crazy and maybe next time, if that’s okay, please do not be mad,” you say this:

“I appreciate the invitation, but I need to rest this week.” Here’s my favorite, the whole episode in one breath: “I love you, and the answer is no.” Both things are true. At the same time. That’s the gate, opening and closing exactly the way it should.

Now the honest part. You can do all of this perfectly and still feel guilty in the parking lot afterward. So hear me. Guilt after a boundary is not evidence you did something wrong. It is evidence you did something unfamiliar. If you have said yes for years, your nervous system treats a no like a smoke alarm. The alarm is not the truth. It’s just loud. The second time is easier than the first. By the tenth time, you’ll say it and go right back to your coffee, and wonder what you were so afraid of.

And the people on the other side? The relationships that survive a clear no usually get stronger, because honesty builds trust and silent resentment eats it. If somebody only liked you because you never said no, turns out they didn’t.

The Ask

On this show we talk about compassion in action, and we picture the big stuff. The interventions. The hard conversations. Those count. But clarity counts too. Telling somebody the truth, kindly, counts. Protecting your rest counts. Saying no to the thing that would drain you dry, so you can say a wholehearted yes to the thing that matters, counts.

So here’s my ask, and it’s a small one. Say one clear no this week. Just one. Kind, clear, short. Then come tell me how it felt.

This post is the story version of Episode 4 of The Sober Gay Guy, out Wednesday, November 4 wherever you listen.

Subscribe now

The Sober Gay Guy explains how to set boundaries without becoming cold or unkind, and why clear limits protect relationships, rest, and recovery. Through examples from family conflict, dating, parenting, and work, he offers practical scripts for saying no kindly, clearly, and briefly.

Key Topics

Boundaries as a fence with a gate: a way to define access, not shut people out.

Brené Brown’s phrase “clear is kind, unclear is unkind” and references her BRAVING trust framework, which starts with boundaries.

Family-conflict and eclining to take sides and asking relatives not to involve him.

The people-pleasing tax: anxiety-driven yeses that can drain emotional energy and contribute to stress, exhaustion, and burnout.

Work-home boundaries work best when they match a person’s preferences, rather than being maximally strict.

Boundaries & dating, parenting a teenager, work schedules, and sobriety, including protecting sleep, routines, and recovery supports.

The three-word approach: kind, clear, short, with usable scripts for declining requests and negotiating workload.

Guilt after setting a boundary can reflect unfamiliarity, while honest limits can strengthen relationships.

Host: TJ Booth

Writer: TJ Booth

Sound, Production & Editing: TJ Booth

Sober Gay Guy Music: Adam Moyer

Hi there, friends!

Welcome in. This is The Sober Gay Guy, the podcast and now the newsletter too, all in one place. If we have not met yet, I'm TJ, and I am really glad you found your way here. Pull up a chair, grab a coffee (maybe a cold bubble water) and stay awhile. Around here we keep it honest, we keep it kind, and we are not afraid to laugh in the middle of the hard stuff.

Why I chose Substack

I started The Sober Gay Guy as a little WordPress blog back in 2020, mostly me writing my way through early sobriety. Then came the podcast, then a relaunch, and suddenly the show lived in one place, the writing lived in another, and I was tired of feeling scattered. I wanted one home where the episodes, the writing, and this community could all live together. So I packed up those old blog posts, brought them with me, and moved us here. Same show. Same heart. Better house.

What’s ahead

Every Wednesday, a new episode of the podcast. Coming up on November 4, "Boundaries: Clear Is Kind," because you can love somebody and the answer can still be no. Then on November 11, "Holding Your Ground Through the Holidays," our early game plan for getting through the season with your peace intact. Once a month, this newsletter goes a little deeper than an episode can, with what we talked about, what I learned living it, and what is coming next. And the old blog favorites are here too, ready for a re-read. Nobody walks through the hard stuff alone. Compassion in action. That is the whole idea.

We’re all important! xxoo

TJ

Short & sweet summary of who you are and what you do.

Subscribe now

Hey, friends. October was a big month for this show, and for me. We relaunched with a mission I mean with my whole heart: Nobody walks through the hard stuff alone. compassion in action. We meet people exactly where they are, through honest conversations about addiction, joy, dating, parenthood, and real life, so nobody has to walk through the hard stuff alone.

This newsletter is a place to go a little deeper than an episode can. What we talked about, what I learned living it, and what’s coming next. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for telling me what landed. Let’s get into it.

October on the show

“Relaunch: The Beginning” (October 21). My origin story: why I started this show, the questions I was carrying, and what sobriety really looks like in the middle of 5am shifts and single dad life. Two lines from it have stayed with listeners, and with me. You don’t have to hit rock bottom. And overcoming isn’t a moment. It’s a plan.

“Bulbs, Ballots, and Box Office” (October 28). A fall episode in three parts: planting bulbs now for an April bloom, getting through election season without losing your peace, and a little movie love on the side.

Coming November 4: “Boundaries: Clear Is Kind.” The permission slip a lot of us need. You can love someone, and the answer can still be no.

What October taught me

1. Help doesn’t wait for rock bottom

A lot of people think you have to lose everything before you deserve help. You don’t. The moment you want something to change is the moment help counts. And change rarely arrives as one big dramatic moment. It arrives as a plan: small daily practices, honest conversations, people who know the real story, and getting back up when a day goes sideways. If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it.

2. Clear is kind

Most of the resentment I have ever carried came from a boundary I didn’t say out loud. A boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a fence with a gate. You decide what comes through, and you can say it warmly and briefly, without a long apology or a big explanation. “I love you, and the answer is no” is a complete sentence. Researchers even have a name for getting this right: boundary fit, matching your boundaries to what you actually need. When the fit is good, life feels lighter. When it’s off, resentment is usually the first clue.

3. Plant now, bloom April

Fall is bulb season, and the lesson is patience you can touch. Plant before the ground freezes, pointy end up, about two to three times as deep as the bulb is tall, in soil that drains well. Water them in, then let winter do its quiet work. You won’t see anything for months, and then April arrives and the whole thing was worth it. Good things often work like that: planted in the dark, blooming later.

4. Election season without losing your peace

Here’s my nonpartisan survival plan, and it works for any stressful news cycle. Make your voting plan early so the logistics are settled. Take your news in doses instead of a constant scroll. Spend the energy you save on your actual neighbors, your family, and your community. You can care deeply and still protect your peace. Those two things are not opposites.

5. Move your body, protect your joy

My daily nonnegotiables are simple: a run (about three and a half miles a day), lifting, and when I’m at the lake, a cold plunge that clears my head like nothing else. Joy counts as a practice, not just a feeling. Plants, decorating for the season, time with my dog Dolly, a good movie. Small joys, chosen on purpose, are load bearing.

Beyond the mic

October wasn’t only the show. It was early mornings and full days, single dad life, and spending much of the month helping friends clear out a parents home who passed, a job we finished this past week. Hard work, good people, and the satisfaction of a house left clean and ready. That is the helpfulness value of this show, lived out in real life.

Coming in November

New episodes every Wednesday: boundaries, joy on purpose, dating and single life, parenthood, overcoming addictions that aren’t just alcohol or drugs, pop culture, and the life hacks that actually make a week easier. If there’s a topic you want to hear, or a story you want to share, I want to hear it.

Join the conversation

Listen on Wednesdays wherever you get podcasts. Follow along on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. Share an episode with someone who might need it today. And write back to this newsletter. This show is better when it’s a conversation.



With gratitude,

TJ

Host, The Sober Gay Guy

The Sober Gay Guy serves up a light, personal catch-up spanning Hollywood awards and movies, practical fall gardening tips, walking and fitness, and a playful presidential trivia quiz. It’s a cheerful mix of pop culture, everyday advice, and historical oddities, all wrapped in a reminder to make room for joy and compassion.

This episode is a personal origin story from The Sober Gay Guy Podcast, tracing the host’s path from escalating addiction to the moment that forced a change. It matters because it pairs lived experience with a practical sobriety framework for anyone carrying addiction, shame, and everyday life all at once.The host shares how the show was born out of real life, not expertise, and why being honest out loud can help other people feel less alone. The episode closes with concrete tools for staying sober in the middle of a busy, ordinary Tuesday.Key topics

• In this episode: the host explains that the podcast “started over” and returns to the beginning of the story for new listeners.

• The episode frames addiction as more than substances - anything that starts making decisions for you can become addictive behavior.

• The host emphasizes that addiction was compounded by life pressure: work, parenting, marriage, bills, and emotional exhaustion did not pause during recovery.

• A practical sobriety framework is introduced: define non-negotiables, plan for bad days on good days, shrink the goal to the next ten minutes, and tell somebody.

• The host explains how sobriety fits into a full life through routines like early work, running, daily check-ins, making coffee, and making the bed.

• The episode ends with a direct message to listeners who feel stuck: you do not need to hit a lower bottom to ask for help, and change can start now.

In this episode of The Sober Gay Guy Podcast, host TJ shares a heartfelt check-in as the holiday season approaches. He reflects on personal challenges, including health issues and the emotional toll of recent tragic events. TJ discusses the importance of mental health, coping strategies for the holiday season, and the necessity of joy and connection. He emphasizes practical tips for maintaining well-being, such as movement, self-care, and reaching out to loved ones. The episode concludes with a message of encouragement and support for listeners during difficult times.

Sour candy is used as a grounding technique to manage acute anxiety or panic attacks by providing an intense sensory distraction that pulls focus to the present moment. The intense, sharp taste of the candy triggers a strong physiological response that momentarily overrides overwhelming feelings of fear and anxiety, a method often incorporated into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). 

• Sensory Distraction: The brain is forced to focus intensely on the unexpected and powerful sour sensation, disrupting the cycle of anxious thoughts and rumination.

• Grounding: By demanding attention to taste, smell, and texture, the candy helps anchor the individual in the "here and now," which can stop a panic spiral.

• Physical Response: The jolt of flavor can activate the vagus nerve and cause physical reactions like salivation or changes in facial expression, which may signal the body to calm down and regain a sense of control. 

• Sober Gay Guy theme music by: Adam Moyer

TJ outlines five key rituals that have helped him maintain his sobriety and encourages listeners to consider their own paths to recovery. He also discusses the importance of community and support in overcoming addiction, and shares his plans for future projects related to his journey.

Sober Gay Guy Music By: Adam Moyer

Q: Do governments workers and military get back pay after a government shutdown?

A: Yes, government employees are legally guaranteed back pay for work missed during a government shutdown, as established by the Government Employee Fair Treatment Act of 2019. This applies to both furloughed employees and those who are "excepted" and work without pay during the shutdown. The pay is provided once the shutdown has ended and is at the employee's standard rateKim Davis defied a US court order when she denied marriage license to same sex couples in August of 2015.Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. 644, is a landmark decision of the United States Supreme Court which ruled that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by both the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution. 

Movie: Frankenstein: A film by Guillermo DelToro Available in theaters & on Netflix

Book: The deep magic of daily Consistency By: Robin Sharma Available as an audiobooks, paperback & hardcover

Food Pantry: Beyond Hunger Food Pantry: gobeyondhunger.org

Current Book: The Prophet: Kahlil Gibran Available in paperback & hardcover

• Loss is a remark on the selfish belief that we deserve something.

• Accepting loss on many levels is part of the sober journey.

• Overcoming the fear of losing loved ones is life-altering.

• Realizing the gift in loss is a hard-fought battle.

• Death is the ultimate loss that outweighs other fears.

• Embracing friends in their darkest times is crucial.

• Pain is okay to feel, and crying is not against the rules.

• Finding peace in relationships is a complex journey.

• Loss is part of our life's purpose, despite its confusion.

• We can choose to be victims or students of the universe.

Sober Gay Guy music by: Adam Moyer

The world is waiting for you. Author Edwina Findley Dickerson

Surrendering to fears can lead to clarity and purpose.

Admitting one's truths is the first step towards healing.

Community support plays a crucial role in recovery.

Vulnerability can inspire others and foster connection.

Living authentically is essential for personal growth.

Visualization and intention-setting are powerful tools.

Facing fears can lead to a more fulfilling life.

It's important to silence negative self-talk and embrace self-acceptance.

Healing is a continuous journey that requires effort and honesty.

Sober Gay Guy Podcast Music: Adam Moyer

In this episode of The Sober Gay Guy Podcast, I reflect on a recent trip to Michigan, discussing the beauty of the crisp air and the importance of embracing vulnerability. The conversation delves into personal growth through sobriety, the challenges of navigating a separation after a long marriage, and the journey of self-discovery in single life. The host shares insights on the importance of discipline, emotional strength, and the power of community support in overcoming life's challenges.

-The importance of gratitude in daily life.

-Seasonal changes can impact our mood and activities.

-Grieving a pet can be a profound experience.

-Authenticity is key to personal happiness.

-Self-reflection is essential for growth.

-Consistency in small daily tasks can lead to significant changes.

-Navigating parenting challenges requires understanding and patience.

-Personal growth often comes from difficult experiences.

-Creating a nurturing environment is vital for mental health.

-Embracing imperfections can lead to self-acceptance.

SoberGayGuy Podcast Music by: Adam Moyer

Sober Gay Guy Music by: Adam Moyer

Sober Gay Guy Music by: Adam Moyer

-Saying goodbye can evoke deep emotional pain.

-Regret often accompanies loss, especially in relationships.

-Addiction can irreparably damage friendships and trust.

-Accountability is crucial in maintaining relationships.

-Introspection can lead to clarity and healing.

-Cherishing moments with loved ones is essential.

-The impact of loss can linger long after the event.

-Sobriety brings a new perspective on past actions.

-Friendship can be a source of strength and vulnerability.

-Hope for reconnection can provide comfort in grief.

Contact me: sobergayguy@gmail.com

Call or text: 630.546.5670

SoberGayGuy music by: Adam Moyer

-Embracing change is crucial as we age.

-Health and wellness should be prioritized in your 50s.

-Mental health is just as important as physical health.

-Building connections with others enhances our lives.

-Self-care is not selfish; it's essential for well-being.

-Hydration and nutrition play key roles in health.

-Finding joy in quiet moments can improve mental health.

-Your value is not defined by your age.

-50 is a decade of opportunity and growth.

-It's important to share experiences and connect with others.

Contact me @ sobergayguy@gmail.com

Call me or text me: 630.546.5670